Apparently, I am notorious for my futuristic plans. Like the creepy, obsessive, granny-panties-too-far-up-your-crack maniacs on t.v. It's amazing that one such as me who normally acts on impulse would plan her entire future out step by step, every little detail worked out to absolute perfection. What kind of boring, pathetic, low-life creature am I?!?!
The problem is, though I would be completely content if my plans were to actually work out, they never do. Nope, once I put in the last piece of destiny's puzzle, something tears the whole thing apart...or someone. *cough*Suzie*cough* Not like I would ever mention any names.
So since I am apparently not me without my plans (says Car...I mean...My friend), and since my perfectly reasonable plans never work out, I have come up with an amazing solution. I am going to come up with a completely irrational and nonsensical plan that will never actually happen and I will stick to it until the future is upon me and there is no more room for planing.
So, I'm going to live in a cute little cottage in a secret valley, with green grass and babbling brook (soothing sound) and lots of pretty wild flowers. I'll be a stay at home mother with my five beautiful children (three girls, two boys), my two dogs, and my purple flying unicorn named Boomer. My husband will be the prince of a far away land, but he works from home on the Internet so there's still no problem. And even though we'll live in a secret valley, we'll still have lots of friends and ride Boomer out to go see them every weekend. And we shall all live...(I know, big moment of suspense)...
HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!
Yeah, I know, it sounds like I got high and then decided to watch Snow White. But yeah, that's my new plan. My solution. I will not alternate it one bit (except to name the kids and the dogs), no matter what my current situation is. Now, finally, I can have my exceptional plan and still not be disappointed when it falls through.
Well that's it, just wanted to share the exciting news...
<3 Swangirl
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
Why I Hate You *Bob*
It's not fair!!! Why is it not possible for me to stay made at anybody? Even him!!! I hate you Bob. I hate you because it's imposable for me to hate you. It's imposable for me to stay mad at you and you know that. Why can't you just stay mad at me? Is that too much to ask?! You get mad at me so easily but get over it twice as easily and it's driving me to MADNESS!!!! And don't say I was already there because I was only teetering on the brink before you came along! It seems like I wouldn't complain about something like this, but it's soooo irritating. One minute you're so nasty to me that my greatest desire is to see you drop dead, the next you're so sweet it's like nothing ever happened and you change so quick, I don't even have time to remember I'm supposed to be angry. I honestly think you know this and you're doing this on purpose. But I'll tell you something you don't know...
You are being played like a fiddle by that girl you think you're so in love with and you deserve every bit of it! Everybody tried and is still trying to warn you and you don't believe them because you're so blind-sided by what you think is love. Love, HA! She doesn't love you, and whenever you finally realize that I hope I'm there. I hope I'm there to see her put you through what you put me through. You obviously thought you could have it all but you can't. And what's worse, once you find out you can't have it all, it'll be too late to go back, and you'll have nothing! And it's exactly what you deserve.
So why do I worry about you? You don't deserve my pity and you don't deserve my concern, yet you have both. Even after all the lies, all the nasty words, all the burning tears...I still care. And so do you. I've always known that, truly, the only person you've lied to about that is yourself. I even heard you admit it on accident. You still care about me and you still want to be close to me, but you want her too and she's definitely easier. That's fine, you'll see through your mistakes soon enough but by the time you do, I'll be gone and you'll be left to deal with the mess.
Yes I care about you, yes I'm sorry for you, yes I worry about you, and yes I love you. And it is for all these reasons that yes, I hate you!
You are being played like a fiddle by that girl you think you're so in love with and you deserve every bit of it! Everybody tried and is still trying to warn you and you don't believe them because you're so blind-sided by what you think is love. Love, HA! She doesn't love you, and whenever you finally realize that I hope I'm there. I hope I'm there to see her put you through what you put me through. You obviously thought you could have it all but you can't. And what's worse, once you find out you can't have it all, it'll be too late to go back, and you'll have nothing! And it's exactly what you deserve.
So why do I worry about you? You don't deserve my pity and you don't deserve my concern, yet you have both. Even after all the lies, all the nasty words, all the burning tears...I still care. And so do you. I've always known that, truly, the only person you've lied to about that is yourself. I even heard you admit it on accident. You still care about me and you still want to be close to me, but you want her too and she's definitely easier. That's fine, you'll see through your mistakes soon enough but by the time you do, I'll be gone and you'll be left to deal with the mess.
Yes I care about you, yes I'm sorry for you, yes I worry about you, and yes I love you. And it is for all these reasons that yes, I hate you!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
First Secret
I have a secret...a secret that is not my own. I have come across my first scandal and it was completely by accident. How lucky am I? The only disappointment is that I didn't find it out myself. Oh well, there will be others. I'm just overly excited that this is my first.
So for security (and in the long run, legal) reasons, all the names I am about to use are completely made up. The people, however, are not.
So I was walking in the hall on my way to my first period class when I see Bob with Sue. Rolling my eyes, I continue walking when my friend, Carrie, pulls me to the side. "They're dating, you know." says Carrie. I nod. "Well that's not the only person she's dating.." I do a double take and ask for more.
Apparently, Carrie's brother, Steve, is best friends with Sue's believed to be ex, Bill. While Carrie was talking to Steve she mentioned something about the breakup between Sue and Bill. Steve tells Carrie that Bill says they haven't broken up, taken a break, or anything. In fact, Bill says everything is going great. So Carrie, completely taken aback, tells Steve all about Sue and Bob. So Carrie and Steve try to call Bill but unfortunately, they get no response. That's ok though, knowing Steve he's probably told Bill everything by now.
The extra twist on this is that not only is Sue telling everyone at her school that she and Bill are "taking a break" but she's also denying, only to certain people, her relationship with Bob. Not that everyone can't see them on each other like ants on a picnic. Whatever...
I intend to have my fun now. I think an evil laugh is in order but I guess I'll save it for later. I'll be back when there's more to tell. I know this information might be boring at the moment, but it'll develop. Just wait and see.
Until then,
♥Swangirl
So for security (and in the long run, legal) reasons, all the names I am about to use are completely made up. The people, however, are not.
So I was walking in the hall on my way to my first period class when I see Bob with Sue. Rolling my eyes, I continue walking when my friend, Carrie, pulls me to the side. "They're dating, you know." says Carrie. I nod. "Well that's not the only person she's dating.." I do a double take and ask for more.
Apparently, Carrie's brother, Steve, is best friends with Sue's believed to be ex, Bill. While Carrie was talking to Steve she mentioned something about the breakup between Sue and Bill. Steve tells Carrie that Bill says they haven't broken up, taken a break, or anything. In fact, Bill says everything is going great. So Carrie, completely taken aback, tells Steve all about Sue and Bob. So Carrie and Steve try to call Bill but unfortunately, they get no response. That's ok though, knowing Steve he's probably told Bill everything by now.
The extra twist on this is that not only is Sue telling everyone at her school that she and Bill are "taking a break" but she's also denying, only to certain people, her relationship with Bob. Not that everyone can't see them on each other like ants on a picnic. Whatever...
I intend to have my fun now. I think an evil laugh is in order but I guess I'll save it for later. I'll be back when there's more to tell. I know this information might be boring at the moment, but it'll develop. Just wait and see.
Until then,
♥Swangirl
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Story of Swangirl
I don't know exactly why I'm writing this. Only two people read my blog and they know me by another name. I guess I just want my story out there. Some of what I'm about to tell you is fiction some of it fact. All of it from the mind of a writer wanting to live out a story and hoping that this will help her do just that.
This is the story of Swangirl:
Should I start with my appearance? I think I will. I am probably somewhere between 5'4 and 5'5. I have light blonde hair, slightly tanned skin, and bright green eyes. I will avoid talking about my size except to say that I fall between a 4 and a 6. I have a southern ladies attitude and an accent to match. I will say now that I do not consider myself unattractive but I am nothing special. I posses no attributes which I pride myself on except, perhaps, my lips. They're full and rose colored and are completely my own, not inherited from anyone.
I don't want to talk much about my life at home, just the basics. I'm an only child living with my mother and father in a comfortable house in an unexciting neighborhood. I have two big, black female dogs, Charlie(3 yrs.) and Lola(20 months).
Now my interests. I like to write more than I like to read but every so often I come across a book I can get very into. As for music I'm very into country, rock, and sometimes even that heavy metal which the rest of my friends think is crap. I can give you a list of my favorites like they put on surveys and profiles.
Food: anything Mexican and spicy
Movie: Kingdom of Heaven
Song: Waivers depending on my mood
Band: Love and Theft
Actor/Actress: Dane Cook (if he counts)
Book: The Luxe
Hobbies: Sports(watching and playing), sleeping, hanging out with friends(the most common hobby of all), playing video games, running with my dogs and dancing(not like ballet, just dancing).
That's pretty much it for interests. Obviously, unless you are an absolute idiot, you realize my name is not in fact Swangirl. I'm not going to tell you where this identity came from. I will tell you, however, has nothing to with the bird. I'm not going to tell you either why I have come up with this fake identity. The only time it will ever be any of your concern is if you get an e-mail from swangirl begining with the phrase "I have a secret". Then you sould be concerned...
This is the story of Swangirl:
Should I start with my appearance? I think I will. I am probably somewhere between 5'4 and 5'5. I have light blonde hair, slightly tanned skin, and bright green eyes. I will avoid talking about my size except to say that I fall between a 4 and a 6. I have a southern ladies attitude and an accent to match. I will say now that I do not consider myself unattractive but I am nothing special. I posses no attributes which I pride myself on except, perhaps, my lips. They're full and rose colored and are completely my own, not inherited from anyone.
I don't want to talk much about my life at home, just the basics. I'm an only child living with my mother and father in a comfortable house in an unexciting neighborhood. I have two big, black female dogs, Charlie(3 yrs.) and Lola(20 months).
Now my interests. I like to write more than I like to read but every so often I come across a book I can get very into. As for music I'm very into country, rock, and sometimes even that heavy metal which the rest of my friends think is crap. I can give you a list of my favorites like they put on surveys and profiles.
Food: anything Mexican and spicy
Movie: Kingdom of Heaven
Song: Waivers depending on my mood
Band: Love and Theft
Actor/Actress: Dane Cook (if he counts)
Book: The Luxe
Hobbies: Sports(watching and playing), sleeping, hanging out with friends(the most common hobby of all), playing video games, running with my dogs and dancing(not like ballet, just dancing).
That's pretty much it for interests. Obviously, unless you are an absolute idiot, you realize my name is not in fact Swangirl. I'm not going to tell you where this identity came from. I will tell you, however, has nothing to with the bird. I'm not going to tell you either why I have come up with this fake identity. The only time it will ever be any of your concern is if you get an e-mail from swangirl begining with the phrase "I have a secret". Then you sould be concerned...
Sunday, February 17, 2008
A Depressing but Lingering Question
Is it possable to be angry at yourself for not knowing how you feel? Is it even possable to not know how you feel? I guess there's the obvious confusion which can serve as a substitute emotion when you are, as I am, confused about what emotion you are feeling. Generally I'm happy. I'm happy with my friends, I'm happy with my family, I'm happy with my life. But am i happy with myself? I honestly dont know. For the past few weeks I know I've been sad, however I was not allowed to be sad. Don't ask me why, if it's any of your concern then you already know, that's just how it's been. And, since I was not allowed to be sad, I tried to focus on ways to make myself forget that I was sad. Social events helped. However my time for social events was limited and I was always forced to return home. I love my house but in a time such as this it doesn't feel like a home. More like a lair or, at times, a cage. A place full of reminders where I could just sit and brood pointlessly about things that made no difference now. It was times like these that I tried to convince myself that I wasn't sad. eventually I became very good at it. I almost did forget I was sad, but forgeting I was sad made me angry because I knew I was lying to myself again which is what got me into this mess in the first place. So then I became sad about being angry about not letting myself be sad because I was not allowed to be sad. I did not want to be sad or angry but it was impossable to be completly happy. So I went a whole day living in numbness. A shell trying to display to everyone else emotions that I didn't feel in a desperate attempt to avoid the question "what's wrong". I hate that question. I hate it because only a fraction of the percent of people who ask that question really care what is wrong, and the ones who care already know. Anyways the numbness was just a spell. It only lasted for a day and then I went back to my internal conflict between anger and depression. Anger won and it was apperent to everyone around me. I was tense and agressive and it didn't take long for me to realize I would have to hold that in too for I was taking it out on inocent outsiders. Now it seems that all my emotions have clashed inside me and I have no idea what I feel. I'm crying almost every night with little to no thought, I'm angry about nothing and tense about the smallest most insignificant little details. And for what? I hardly even know any more. I have emotions and I can recognize them when they come but in general i don't know where I stand. I'm happy with my friends and I'm great when I'm out of this house but where am I the rest of the time? And why? I can barely even remember why.
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