A Depressing but Lingering Question

Is it possable to be angry at yourself for not knowing how you feel? Is it even possable to not know how you feel? I guess there's the obvious confusion which can serve as a substitute emotion when you are, as I am, confused about what emotion you are feeling. Generally I'm happy. I'm happy with my friends, I'm happy with my family, I'm happy with my life. But am i happy with myself? I honestly dont know. For the past few weeks I know I've been sad, however I was not allowed to be sad. Don't ask me why, if it's any of your concern then you already know, that's just how it's been. And, since I was not allowed to be sad, I tried to focus on ways to make myself forget that I was sad. Social events helped. However my time for social events was limited and I was always forced to return home. I love my house but in a time such as this it doesn't feel like a home. More like a lair or, at times, a cage. A place full of reminders where I could just sit and brood pointlessly about things that made no difference now. It was times like these that I tried to convince myself that I wasn't sad. eventually I became very good at it. I almost did forget I was sad, but forgeting I was sad made me angry because I knew I was lying to myself again which is what got me into this mess in the first place. So then I became sad about being angry about not letting myself be sad because I was not allowed to be sad. I did not want to be sad or angry but it was impossable to be completly happy. So I went a whole day living in numbness. A shell trying to display to everyone else emotions that I didn't feel in a desperate attempt to avoid the question "what's wrong". I hate that question. I hate it because only a fraction of the percent of people who ask that question really care what is wrong, and the ones who care already know. Anyways the numbness was just a spell. It only lasted for a day and then I went back to my internal conflict between anger and depression. Anger won and it was apperent to everyone around me. I was tense and agressive and it didn't take long for me to realize I would have to hold that in too for I was taking it out on inocent outsiders. Now it seems that all my emotions have clashed inside me and I have no idea what I feel. I'm crying almost every night with little to no thought, I'm angry about nothing and tense about the smallest most insignificant little details. And for what? I hardly even know any more. I have emotions and I can recognize them when they come but in general i don't know where I stand. I'm happy with my friends and I'm great when I'm out of this house but where am I the rest of the time? And why? I can barely even remember why.